October 21st

self-esteem and the goodness of being human

I grew up in an era where my religious leaders cautioned against the development of self-esteem. They argued that an inflated self-esteem was antithetical to what the Bible taught us about being born wretched, with sinful natures. My pastor warned us that the rise of the self-esteem/positive self-view movement was dangerous. I vividly remember him saying,“We don’t need kids with MORE self-esteem, if anything, they need less of it!”

I know I’m speaking to the choir when I say that this is harmful rhetoric. But sometimes it’s hard to let go of the ideas we might have internalized in our respective religious spaces, and it’s helpful to see both the theological and scientific evidence that moves us away from fear.

In her book, The Construction of the Self, Susan Harter writes about self-esteem and the developing self. Here are three takeaway’s from Harter’s work that I find helpful:

Young children’s positive self-view is healthy! Preschoolers naturally view themselves positively, and those positive self-views motivate them, act as emotional buffers, and help them combat feelings of inadequacy (pp. 33–34). A positive self view in childhood is natural and necessary, and something we are tasked with encouraging rather than controlling or curbing.

Shame disrupts a child’s natural understanding of themselves as good creations of God. Shame tells a child “I am bad” rather than “I did something bad,” and it makes them want to hide from the people who love them (Harter, pp. 199–201). Whenever I have the chance, I remind kids that when God created them, God called them good. This is not to say that kids never make mistakes, but God starts with the message that we are inherently good creations.

The stories we tell together become a child’s story of who they are. A children’s sense of self forms partly through the stories their community and caregivers tell with them about their experiences (pp. 38–40). Remembering the day with your child is one way to do this. Reflections like, “Remember when you helped your friend?” adds to the positive story they hear about themselves.

One of my favorite books to read to kids is I am God’s Dream by Matthew Paul Turner:

When I look in the mirror, I think of what’s true:

That God loves me and wants me to love myself, too.

That I was made to be free!

And the brilliance you see?

That’s the light that exists

On the inside of me.

I wonder how it would have felt for your child-self to receive this message? I wonder if you can receive this message now, even as you foster it in your own child?

Harter, S. (2012). The construction of the self: Developmental and sociocultural foundations (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

October 14th

the wonder of childhood

“Much became narrow, what once was wide, much became impoverished, what once was precious.” - Hermann Hesse, on growing up (as quoted in Wolbert et al.).

In The Flourishing Child, Wolbert, de Ruyter, and Schinkel argue that childhood is good in itself, not just preparation for adulthood, and one of childhood’s biggest gifts is a sense of wonder. Children encounter something they can’t fully understand that they can sense is bigger than themselves, and they see the world as remarkable, or even magical.

If you know me, you have heard me talk about how children are, by the very nature of being children, the most marginalized people group on earth. In a world that values power, they are powerless: they can’t advocate for themselves, speak for themselves, defend themselves, or even represent themselves in the same way adults can.

On top of these social and physical limitations, children are simply devalued as human beings, often looked at as deficient adults. I have witnessed this in every sphere from education to church. They are people, but not yet full people, and the primary purpose of childhood is to get from one stage to the next until they reach adulthood. Then, their perspectives and opinions will really matter.

We know this is not true in the Good News of Jesus, where it’s children who inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, but it is also not true developmentally. Childhood holds inherent value, and if anything, it’s a kind of loss rather than growth when we leave aspects of childhood behind.

It can be tempting to put adult expectations on children thinking that’s the best way to honor them as people, but The Flourishing Child helps us remember two important truths:

1. Wonder is innate to childhood.

Children are naturally struck by the mystery of the world. The authors point out that adults often lose that, partly because we’re expected to. Somewhere in our own transitions to adulthood, we learned that being in awe is naïve, and that grown-ups are supposed to have answers. But where do children look for (and find) wonder and mystery? Where can they lead us?

2. Childhood is not a waiting room.

The authors push back on seeing kids only as adults-in-progress. Childhood has its own value: play, free time, being goofy and silly, and not always taking everything (including themselves) so seriously. None of this is frivolous. They’re doing the work of childhood.

Ways to honor wonder at home:

  • Make room for wonder. Protect some unstructured time each week, with no lesson attached and no outcome expected.

  • Give LOTS of space for questions. When your child asks a question, resist resist resist seizing the moment as instructional time. Instead, maybe ask: “I wonder too… what do you think?” Or, “That’s a BIG question! I don’t know if we have the answer for that.”

  • Follow their lead. Let your child set the pace on a walk, and notice what they notice.

  • Wonder alongside them. Let your child hear you say, “Wow, I never noticed that before.” When we’re amazed with them, we are communicating to them that their way of seeing the world matters.

  • Don’t be too precious about wonder! This is/was maybe the hardest for me, as a parent especially. The places where I find wonder are not always the same for my children. For example, my oldest daughter enjoyed playing Minecraft MUCH more than she enjoyed a deep dive into Anne of Green Gables with me (gasp!). Kids have their own interests and aversions! Let’s be careful that our own lofty ideas don’t obstruct their natural inroads into joy.

Children don’t need us to teach them how to wonder. They need us to keep their world from growing narrow as they grow up. And as we do, may we find that what became impoverished in us can be precious again.

Wolbert, L., de Ruyter, D., & Schinkel, A. (2021). The flourishing child. Journal of Philosophy of Education, 55(4–5), 698–709.

October 5th

What do little children think God is like?

For a recent class in my Child Development program, I got to choose and critique a journal article. The article I chose (Does God comfort you when you are sad? Religious diversity in children's attribution of positive and negative traits to God) focused on how children thought God feels about them. Research with 3- to 7-year-olds found that most young children are sure God loves them and helps people, and are actually not sure God is scary or punishing. And, that sense of God's love also grew stronger as children got older.

As a parent and children’s priest, this is comforting evidence. Our little ones come to us already believing they are loved by God. Our role is to protect and nurture their loving connection to God. This shouldn’t add pressure to what you already do as parents and caregivers. Instead of asking what you need to do to introduce your child to God, maybe shift to see if you can notice where your child might already be experiencing God’s love.

Here are some ways I’ve learned from children over the years about the places they feel loved by God:

  • Being listened to

  • Being outside

  • Spending time with their pets

  • Playing

  • Swimming, moving, and dancing

  • Being with friends

  • Reading and resting

  • Laughing

  • Creating

  • Getting a hug when they are sad

And remember, less is more! Try to resist the urge to connect the dots for your child; the dots are probably already connecting. Instead of asking directly: “Does this make you feel close to God?” try asking: “I wonder if there was a time when you felt especially loved by God today.” You can even drop the “God” part—I know that might be scary for those of us who grew up with the pressure to connect everything back to God all the time. But God IS love. Wherever your child felt love, they felt God.

And then follow their lead. They might not want to talk about it or they might say they don’t know or they might give a silly answer. This isn’t a formula—just a practice, a way of noticing and validating where our kids are experiencing God’s love.

Optional practices:

  • Ask your child if they want to draw a picture of what they think God is like. Don’t worry if it’s silly or strange! Be curious and open.

  • Read What is God Like together by Matthew Paul Turner and Rachel Held Evans. Ask: I wonder what your favorite part of the story was? I wonder what part of the story is just for you?

Lee, H. J., Marin, A. B., Sun, J., & Richert, R. A. (2023). Religions, 14(9), 1181.